A Fang-Banging Good Time

Every August my friends and I would come together and try to think of new themes for parties. Now that I am older, do less and have far too much time on my hands I have come up with some fresh ideas.

While watching a movie on HBO, I was inspired by an Aztec themed party. The party requires a virgin to be sacrificed into a lava pit. My plan slightly differentiates from the films because I think the virgin female should be crucified.

I don't know about anyone else, but I have never been to a crucifixion and at the first party of the year, it is pretty easy to find a freshman virgin. Then maybe eat the person. Come on, don't pretend the thought didn't enter your mind and you will never forget your first party where a virgin was sacrificed, crucified, and eaten.

After my brilliant idea of sacrificing and eating a virgin, I thought about my new favorite television show True Blood.

How wild would a Vampire Fang-Bang be? There are a few minor concerns with the vampire party, but if you are game to get a little freaky I think this is a winning theme.

The major concerns are obviously with people biting each other. So if you aren't cool with being bitten, I would suggest not attending.

Also, if you are not down for doing hits of V (vampire blood) and drinking human blood from a keg, stay home. It is only fair that we will have a keg of blood type A, B and O and if you'd like AB you can definitely mix!

A lot of people will probably want to go out and get all Dracula on your ass. Please keep in mind vampires don't actually turn into bats.

If you attend wearing fake fangs you are not welcome. If you aren't going to take the time to actually carve your teeth sharper you are not wanted. I wouldn't come to your Animals and Zookeeper's party dressed as David Hasseloff. Vampires were once alive too and they have feelings.

Vampires are not to be mocked. They will abide by human rules, so when they arrive invite them into your home. They will not break the vampire code and will only enter when you extend an invitation and grant them permission to enter.

Once inside the party it is completely acceptable to partake in fangbanging. It is wildly known that vampire sex is the greatest sex known to earth. It would be foolish not to indulge in this rare opportunity.

Also permitted to attend will be one minotaur, one exorcists who will perform an exorcism, 2-3 police officers, a few mind readers (please don't share who you are it's more fun for you if no one knows), and one Sheriff, who will be the male head of the home.

Please check with the party planner to make sure there is not an excess of minotaurs. That can really ruin a party.