If you don't get married by 30......

Should there be a mandatory wait period from the end of one relationship to the start of your next? I know far too many people who break up, mourn for 3 days maximum and within a week they are dating another person. Not sleeping with, but in a hardcore, announce it to the world, facebook official relationship.

It's pretty disturbing if you think about the type of people who act in this manner. They are legitimately setting up their next fuck, while they are still dating someone else. Basically cheating. If you are one of those people and you are reading this take a second, whip out your meat and potatoes and dip them in boiling water or slam them in a desk drawer. If you don't have balls use your imagination, any sharp object will do.

The reason I bring this up is because for some absurd reason one of you emailed me and asked for my advice on "how do you know if it's too soon to enter into a new relationship after a breakup." Being that I am a master of love, they came to the right person.

I have a few rules for relationships and the first is in regards to women because you are generally the easy target and there is a point I've wanted to make about you for some time.

"DO NOT PUT AN AGE ON WHEN YOU HAVE TO BE MARRIED"

The reason I say this is because most of you think if you are not married by 30 your life is over. You justify to yourself that 32 is also an acceptable age in a worst case scenario and you must have your first child by 35.

Now, you all read my blog for one of a few reasons:

1. you are addicted to the vulgarity
2. you actually do hate women
3. you masturbate to my stories
4. your life sucks and you need to escape it reading this shit
5. you need the honesty I provide; and here it is

If you put an age on everything, you will only be disappointed with life if you get to that age and you haven't achieved what it is you were hoping to.

You are probably wondering what the "age" reference has to do with relationships. I find too many people jump into marriage and relationships because they get to the point they don't want to be alone or hit that "age". If you are jumping into a new relationship quickly after getting out of another one, it should be because you know you want to be with the person, not because you are afraid to be alone. That's how people marry the wrong person. That's how people end up in relationships for years when they don't even really like each other.

I don't necessarily believe in settling down or the institution of marriage. Marriage is a security blanket for people who aren't confident enough to be alone and must rely on another. That is why I have chosen a life of promiscuous wild sex, primarily with strangers and plan on impregnating numerous women and having enough children to play full court basketball with two subs (12 if you're having trouble counting).

In conclusion, when you meet a person it doesn't matter how long it's been because since your relationship has ended because the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Joking aside, the best way to get over someone is when you meet the person who makes you completely forget the other person ever existed. You will know if you are ready to be serious. If you don't know, you're not ready or you're doing what far too many people do........entering a relationship because you don't want to be alone. Stop being a pussy, if you want to be with him/her just do it.

I apologize to ALL of my readers who were expecting the usual vulgarity and woman bashing.

NEXT BLOG: If my shit were an ice cream flavor I'd eat it: The story of why everyone likes their own brand.

Aol News Must Be Reading My blog

I was reading headline stories on AOL news and happened to come across an article today stating, "researchers found that obese women were less likely to ask for birth control services, and thus, four times more likely to accidentally get pregnant."

Sound familiar to anyone? Check out the blog about why fat women don't use protection.

Fiddler Under the Roof

A few years ago while dating my ex she introduced me to her friend Becky. Becky is a horrible human being and although I had no interest in being her friend, I could not could focus on anything other than how perky her fun-bags were and how badly I wanted to bend her over, pull her hair, raw dog her from behind and lick her delicious tasting pussy. (I suppose my imagination is slightly more perverse than most.)

For some time I could not escape my fantasy world and since I was bored boning my ex I went to plan B (no, not the morning after pill). I began to imagine I was fucking Becky instead and may have even called my ex the wrong name on occasion when pumping her with my Willy Wonnker. Our sex got kinkier and I found my tongue refusing to leave her box. It just wanted to cuddle up and hibernate in there. It was my happy place and I never wanted to leave.

My ex acted unforgivably one day suspecting I had a crush on Becky and told me, "rumor has it she has a repulsive smelling vagina." Blasphemy, madness! No one this sexy could be tainted with such a horrible illness. I refused to believe this statement, but also knew I must conduct field research.

A few weeks ago Becky contacted me and we met at a bar for drinks. I prepared before leaving and packed a gas mask and a tranquilizer gun. If her odor was as bad as I feared, I had to be willing to put the beast down and save any future muff divers.

At the bar I drowned myself in liquor for two key reasons:

1. When you are drunk your stamina improves
2. To drown out the possible horrid taste that might enter my mouth. If I can make liquor taste like water, I can make pussy taste like heaven.

We left the bar and in no time her legs were spread over my shoulders, pillow under her ass, and I was playing her pussy like a fiddle (NOTE: women climax faster with a pillow under them and time was not a luxury I could afford enduring her potential smell). My fingers deep in her twat, I licked her clit fiddling under her roof for hours. Becky was erupting, shaking and twitching uncontrollably. (Women who have experienced this orgasm feel free to comment.)

When I concluded destroying her pussy, she laid there in a ball not knowing to smile or cry. Her body could not comprehend how sublime she felt. "No one has EVER gone down on me like that before. Not any of my ex-boyfriends ever really did it," she confessed.

You don't say. I stood at a safe distance, careful not to come too close to the fumes pouring from her sewage smelling muff. It was the worst taste my tongue had ever tolerated, but I did what had to be done. I drank every liquid in sight to remove the bitterness from my scorned tongue. Then I went on a hunger on strike. I never wanted to use my mouth again and took a vow of silence.

Do I regret doing it? No. If I hadn't, curiosity would have eaten away at me. I gave her the orgasm of her life and will surely be inducted in her hall of sex fame.

The real issue at hand is, what does a man do if he dates a girl with a repulsive smelling cooter? If it's a one night stand, he does not have to eat puss, but to ensure his peg enters her hole, a little lickety split must take place for him to pin his tail in the donkey.

If you are dating a girl with this issue you can only avoid the inevitable so long. A decent human will enter and eat her torture chamber and you may learn to enjoy it. If it truly smells, try to implement fruit into her diet. Fruit can improve the smell, while spicy dishes worsen the smell. If the odor persists, she may have a yeast infection, UTI or an STD and chances are now you do too.



If you are one of the few who does not take pleasure in eating pussy it's time to man up. Pussy is like sushi is an acquired taste. Once you acquire that taste you will want to dine at an all you can eat sushi buffet. No one is telling you to do it every second and you don't need to Indian kiss her (eat her out on the rag). I assure you the more you do for her, the more she will return. Give and you shall receive. There is no greater pleasure than giving a woman the ultimate orgasm. She will rave about you to friends and if it's a one night stand I guarantee after your epic performance you'll have a lot more legs spreading. So gentlemen, this weekend step up to the plate, pick up your fiddle and lets play a little sweet chin music.

Four Whores and Many Year Ago

Last week while working in a law office I overheard Stacey lashing out about the whore that works downstairs. As a productive member of the office, my curiosity forced me to rushed to the conversation. Stacey saw me run over and asked, "Ben, I say I hate that fucking whore and you immediately rush over?" To which I so eloquently replied, "who doesn't love a whore?" And after a long pause Stacey said, "I guess you are right."

Men don't expect much from women. We expect them to cook, clean, and provide a little action on the side. As long as we have maids and prostitutes, I don't really see much purpose for a wife or a girlfriend. Men can handle takeout for meals. Maids can clean and prostitutes serve the most important purpose to society. They fulfill all of man's sexual desires without an opinion, only a price.

For thousands of years man has been ruling the world and today we get paid more to do the same jobs. In the 1920's the 19th amendment was passed granting women the right to vote. Our foolish decision allowed the lesser gender to believe they were our equals and it is my privilege to put women back where they belong .......on their knees.

Man's greatest downfall was passing the 19th amendment. Once women could vote they began to believe they could attend college, grad school, become educators. Nonsense, women were better served as whores. We need these leg spreaders because they do all the things our wives and girlfriends refuse. They let us have threesomes. We can hit it and quit it and we don't have to cuddle. They don't spend the night and for an extra fee they swallow. We don't have to kiss them or bother with foreplay and we don't have to feel bad for cumming in a minute or in their hair, eye, or nostril. They don't have expectations, only price tags.

That is why I am torn today. Why is prostitution not legalized everywhere? The government can profit from it and it would lessen crime.

On another note I must briefly defend women as I so RARELY do. Leg spreaders have ruined it for the "good girls." Man has become weary of women's ways causing the "good girls" to suffer for the panty droppers actions. Too many women fork their legs open for anyone and therefore man has a sense all women are tramps. It is better to protect oneself than to be made an example of and for that women I am apologetic, but one cum guzzling whore can spoil it for the good girls.

Allow me to conclude with a short story: A man walked up to a beautiful girl in a bar and said I will pay you $1,000 to sleep with me. She slapped him in the face and said, "you must be kidding me." He replied to her, "$100,000." She looked at him with daggers in her eyes and said, "what do you think I am?" and he answered, "I think we already established that, now we are just negotiating price."

Everyone has a price. Never forget it.

Because hating fat people never gets old....

I love to demoralize overweight people. Have you ever noticed you walk by a heavyset person eating an ice cream cone and wonder, "what could possibly be going through their mind?" This happens to me every time I see a fat person eating. When I see a fat person in a bikini or wearing shorts with cellulite flowing, or the flabby arms of a girl wearing a tank top I know she is the worst type of female after a cold blooded feminist. She suffers from F.G.W.T.S.S, a fat girl who thinks she is skinny.

When this blog started it was built with a strong foundation and belief system. It was built on a code set in place to right all wrongs in the universe. Today's wrongs bring us back to fat people, but more specifically fat women. There is very little they offer to society, whereas fat men serve many functions. They are funny and they can enter eating competitions.

Ever notice you see numerous fat couples? Fat date fat and not because fat people like fat people (no one does), but obviously because they are the only one's willing to date each other. Regrettably this also means fat people do the nasty with each other. Who would ever want to lift a woman's FUPA (fat upper pussy area) to find her cooter? Imagine lifting layer after layer of fat and hair, holding it up with one hand and trying to squeeze your manhood into her bearded clam, assuming it can be found. If it is found, it can't be well kept because its virtually impossible she can lift her fupa long enough to shave it.

A study has recently shown that fat women do not use protection. Who do they think they are? Many of you may be sitting there thinking the obvious, why would anyone wear a rubber?(blog for another day) There is no greater feeling than a woman's warm, wet, pink love juices riding down your shaft, but the real issue is the more fat people who bang without condoms results in more fat children on this earth, and that is unacceptable.

There is one key reason fat women don't want men to wrap it. These fat women have low self-confidence due to their grotesqueness. They came by their obesity honestly....they eat a shitload. So when the pound town is about to begin, the women have little choice other than to take it when they can get it. They do not have the luxury of telling their partner to use a condom because in the time it takes to put the condom on the man will realize there is a fat mother fucking, roly poly, hairy clam in bed. AND if he is sober enough to realize what he is about to do, there is a greater chance he will stick his thumb in his asshole, wiggle it and have gold coins come out than of him slaying the dragon who lays beside him.