A Fang-Banging Good Time

Every August my friends and I would come together and try to think of new themes for parties. Now that I am older, do less and have far too much time on my hands I have come up with some fresh ideas.

While watching a movie on HBO, I was inspired by an Aztec themed party. The party requires a virgin to be sacrificed into a lava pit. My plan slightly differentiates from the films because I think the virgin female should be crucified.

I don't know about anyone else, but I have never been to a crucifixion and at the first party of the year, it is pretty easy to find a freshman virgin. Then maybe eat the person. Come on, don't pretend the thought didn't enter your mind and you will never forget your first party where a virgin was sacrificed, crucified, and eaten.

After my brilliant idea of sacrificing and eating a virgin, I thought about my new favorite television show True Blood.

How wild would a Vampire Fang-Bang be? There are a few minor concerns with the vampire party, but if you are game to get a little freaky I think this is a winning theme.

The major concerns are obviously with people biting each other. So if you aren't cool with being bitten, I would suggest not attending.

Also, if you are not down for doing hits of V (vampire blood) and drinking human blood from a keg, stay home. It is only fair that we will have a keg of blood type A, B and O and if you'd like AB you can definitely mix!

A lot of people will probably want to go out and get all Dracula on your ass. Please keep in mind vampires don't actually turn into bats.

If you attend wearing fake fangs you are not welcome. If you aren't going to take the time to actually carve your teeth sharper you are not wanted. I wouldn't come to your Animals and Zookeeper's party dressed as David Hasseloff. Vampires were once alive too and they have feelings.

Vampires are not to be mocked. They will abide by human rules, so when they arrive invite them into your home. They will not break the vampire code and will only enter when you extend an invitation and grant them permission to enter.

Once inside the party it is completely acceptable to partake in fangbanging. It is wildly known that vampire sex is the greatest sex known to earth. It would be foolish not to indulge in this rare opportunity.

Also permitted to attend will be one minotaur, one exorcists who will perform an exorcism, 2-3 police officers, a few mind readers (please don't share who you are it's more fun for you if no one knows), and one Sheriff, who will be the male head of the home.

Please check with the party planner to make sure there is not an excess of minotaurs. That can really ruin a party.

How many people have you with slept?

The amount of people you sleep with is much like your SAT score. It can never be changed. Everyone wants to know what you scored, and everyone lies about it.

My friend Nathan has been falling disgustingly for a girl, Hayley, when she recently asked him how many girls he has slept with. She said if he did not tell her than they could never be together.
( I do not believe in ultimatums. They back people into a corner and they generally backfire for both parties.)

I have dated girls, some more serious than others and the question of how many have you slept with is unavoidable.

Some of the girl’s numbers have been high and others have been extremely low. This is why I can give my expert my opinion about the plus and minuses of knowing and not knowing.

When a girl in her young 20's tells me her number, I have learned most average around 10-13 partners. If the number is less than 3 I worry and more than 20 I am taken back.

Sadly a double standard does apply. Although it is unfair, it does exist and we would be fools not to recognize this fact. I believe girls who have slept with significantly less than the average and freely share their number, have ruined it for the girls with higher numbers.

Men want to picture girlfriends in the purest sense. Sometimes we ask what a girl’s number is because we feel we need to know. It is often difficult to imagine the girl we thought we knew being someone's one night stand.

When a girl tells me she has slept with between 10-13 people, I imagine there have been a few one night stands, but she generally is careful with those she chooses to sleep with. I am not thrilled with the overall number, but it is not a number I will lose sleep over either.

If she has slept with more than 20 my jaw drops. Even if it is something I am prepared for, hearing it takes you back. Once you know, there is no escaping, but it has to make you wonder, "who isn't she spreading her legs for?"

The only thing knowing the overall number can do is make you doubt the person you have already been crazy about. No good can come of it and here is why.

It can NEVER end with how many people. After the number is revealed and she has time to think it over, a flood of new questions will arrive.

Who are they? How were they? Were any better than me? Do you think any are prettier than me? Did you ever love any of them? Why? Why not? Do you even love me?

Once this bag of worms is opened the only way to stop it is to murder your significant other, because every girl you introduce her to from that point on she will ask if you have slept with. She will be mean to the girl friends you had before meeting her. She will hold grudges and resent the girls, when she has no reason to.

She cannot control what you did before her, as you cannot control what she did. The past is the past and let it stay that way.

All you have to remember girls, is you are the one he is with now. I have made the mistake of asking girls in the past and I too have been asked. This is the best advice I can give:

The number does not matter. With previous women I was unable to get it out of my head, but I realized, if she wanted to be with someone else she would have been. So don't ask the question, because it cannot be changed.

You either want to be with the person or not. Take my advice from a guy who has asked girls and from a guy who has been asked.

Assume they have slept with 60 people, maybe even 70. Now he is only sleeping with 1 now, so feel lucky and not bitter or jealous. Sex is JUST sex. Young people are having it to have fun and get off, not to procreate! Some people are going to have higher numbers than others. I assure you if every girl I kissed wanted to sleep with me I probably would have and then where would my overall number be? Ask yourself how high your number would be if that were your case?

The only thing that matters is that you know who you want to be with. Once you do, let sleeping dogs lie because whatever happened before you is history.

Say Cheese

A few days ago while killing time on facebook a girl I used to sleep with came across my newsfeed. I hadn't seen her in some time, clicked on her profile and went through some pictures as I found myself immensely disappointed.

What had happened to the bombshell I had slept with only 2 years prior? I was horrified to discover, time had not treated my fair maiden well. This girl who had the statistics to be in Hall of Fame, seemed eerily comparable to Penny Hardaway. A promising rising star, who's career was shortened by injury, or in her case the "I peaked too young police."

I began to think about how almost every girl I have slept with, I would sleep with again. I am usually proud of my list, but I was torn over this one.

I contacted my friend, Python and asked if he had seen pictures of her and after looking her up, he too was stunned. Then, a brilliant idea was shared between Python and myself.

We must create a slideshow of everyone we have ever slept with. The slideshow can contain only one picture, the persons name, and one memory about them of your choice.

To be fair the picture MUST come from the year/time you slept with them. You can take the most attractive picture of them, as long as it comes from within a year.

There is no point in putting a picture of what they look like now. It should only be a picture of what they looked like when you conquered their vagina.

Now even the best pictures of some of these girls won't be good by any means, but regardless they are part of the slide show, part of the deal.

You can even add some pictures of people you haven't slept with, but still may have had great experiences with or a great story.

Then on the night of your bachelor party, when all your friends are over you can sit back, relax and enjoy the show.......and to be safe, destroy the evidence so the future Mrs. never one day stumbles upon it.

Tomorrow........why you should NEVER tell your significant other how many people you have slept with.