The Five Step Process

My first year in college my wise disturbing friend explained to me how to get laid every night. A rule I do not follow, but one with such impressive efficiency that I cannot deny the truth of its power.

The lesson goes: when attending a party, attack the absolutely least attractive dragon in sight and slay her. The revolting female at the party does not always have the opportunity to get laid or slayed. When an opportunity arises she will almost ALWAYS take advantage of her rare and fortunate situation. This method may lead (depending on your level of sobriety) to going to bed with beautiful twins, but waking up mistakenly with Shrek.

While on a cruise a few years ago with my friend Leppy (short for Leprechaun), we went to the bar to prowl on women. My relentless Leppy approached every female on the boat, although he was shamelessly denied by every girl earlier in the week. This impressively did not effect his resilience. Leppy continued onward with reckless abandon, until eventually succeeding the final night. This leprachaun fucker gave in to the rule of how to get laid on any given night; she dropped her standards fast!

The next day Leppy woke up and looked at his trophy. He lingered and gloated at the thrill of his awkward victory. Being a gentlemen, he waited until his lady awoke before he would leave. She rolled over, looked at him and said, "OH NO!"

Leppy in truly uncomfortable fashion said, "one for the road?" She was running late to brunch and rushed him out immediately, already regretting her evening. The truth is she will most likely never count him in her list of men she has slept with or mythological creatures she has ever encountered.

Everybody has woken up with a dragon and thought, why did this happen to me? Because of course it's not their fault they slept with the nastiest person alive. Here you will discover the five step, textbook way to accepting the consequences of bellying up with the beast; which by coincidence is the same as the "Five Steps to Accepting Death."

STEP ONE, DENIAL:

Denial is "when a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence" (Freud). So although you might like to believe it did not happen, it definitely did. Look for evidence. Check for a condom wrapper, take a leak and see what direction you shoot, or if there is itching in your genital regions. If any of the above pertain to you, it happened and you have come to terms with it.

Step Two, Anger:

Oh yes! When you look at the beast by your side you will be raging with smoke from your ears. You want to kill the beast, but you don't hit women. However you are not even sure if this is a woman! Could you hit it and get away with it, maybe? No! It's wrong to kill just because it is a demonic creature.

So don't chop of your penis or zip up your snatch! It is not your penis or vagina's fault that you are an idiot. Booze's fault it may be, but regardless, these things happen. Sometimes we are the slayers of the dragon and sometimes we are the slayed. Recognize what you did and embrace it, because it most definitely happened and cannot be taken back.

Step Three, Bargaining:

If you are still in bed with the person and think if you close your eyes and pretend they won't be there when you open them, you are sadly mistaken. You don't kinda get pregnant, you don't kinda shit your pants. If you think you pulled out, you probably didn't. If you think this number doesn't count because the sex wasn't good, because he came too fast, or because he wasn't up to your standards, then you are also mistaken. This person very much counts. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, it's ok to admit if you had a little fun. I'm sure at some point during the evening you did.

Step Four, Depression:

During the fourth stage, the person begins to understand the certainty of the tragic event that took place. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect themself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer an individual up that is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.

The person may say, "I'm so sad, why bother living?" or "I'm going to die," or most commonly, "why me?"

Realize you have done a mitzvah (good deed) and no good deed goes unpunished. Don't resort to pills or swear off drinking. Acknowledge the facts and pass step 4!

Step Five, Acceptance:

This is the toughest stage of them all, but shit happens! Once you realize you can go through the stages, go to the bathroom, turn on the lights, look at yourself in the mirror, stare and repeat, "I fucked a fat chick and I'm probably going to do it again!"