When does a predator become a cougar?

I am an EXCELLENT liar and can read other liars with ease. I have no soul and lie because it is my talent and my craft. If you want the truth you will get the brutal truth, but don't you DARE play me for a fool. I live on a rule that if you lie, you better be smart because you WILL get caught. You must be smart, because you must remember all of the lies you tell! REMEMBER THAT!

A few months back my friend Laura set me up with a co-worker of hers. Laura knows my taste very well and that I date a specific type of girl, so I agreed.

I met Co-worker for drinks and we hit it off immediately. She was stunning with incredibly sexy curves, succulent breasts and enough ass to make any man's mouth water. She had a long dirty blonde mane, soft hands with a french-manicure and showed enough cleavage to to get a rise out of every man at the bar without screaming desperation. Co-Worker was from Prague and told me she was 31, but looked every bit of 25 (a minor fact Laura chose to omit). At the end of our evening, I walked Co-Worker home and took her to paradise with my lips. I had hoped she would invite me in, but it was out first date and realistically I would never have called her back if she had.

The 31 year old co-Worker and I met up a few more times and I began to wonder if she were old enough to be a classified cougar. I concluded she was too young and dawned her "The Predator".

We continued to see each other and one night The Predator called to meet her at the Ritz Carlton for drinks. She had previously mentioned she had some "deep shit" to talk to me about, but never wanted to ruin the mood of the evening. Tonight was the night and I feared it was because she believed we were getting serious. The Predator revealed she was once married at 22 and divorced at 29; and had now been single for the past 2 years. Well that wasn't all that bad. I was definitely expecting worse.

We talked for hours, endless conversation, but I noticed far too often she was checking her phone and texting. She did not appear to be bored, but something seemed off. I didn't exactly know what to expect, but my brain was working over-time. We walked home and continued to talk when she mentioned her office had become obsessed with facebook. A comment I learned she would later regret.

The following day I friended her on stalker central. After she accepted I had the privilege of viewing her pictures. I noticed a young girl appeared repeatedly. Probably somewhere between 5-7 years old, when the light bulb finally went off! Predator had a daughter with her ex-husband! That's who she was texting!

I found myself in unfamiliar territory. I was dating a divorcee with a daughter! I called Laura and said, "I think Predator has a daughter! What do you know!" Laura said she was not aware and that it never came up in conversation before.

I considered my options. I can tell The Predator I know she has a daughter or I can wait and let her eventually tell me? I didn't want her to think I was scared away, because I was not. I knew we weren't actually dating. It was a fun fling, so the news wasn't a deal breaker, but I was not prepared for what came next.

I tried to play it cool and I sent The Predator a text message, "What are you up to this wknd? We should grab drinks." Just enough to get her attention, but nothing out of the ordinary.

And within no time The Predator realized what had happened. I had discovered the pictures! However, her response was not exactly what I was expecting. Her reply taken exactly word for word from my cell phone:

"Spending the weekend with my bro, his wife and my daughter in Vermont : -) yes I said my daughter...she's 7, lives with her dad this year in Australia (real location omitted). Her dad is a doc and was diagnosed with cancer...this is the "freak the shit out" stuff I mentioned to u awhile back. Heavy shit we haven't had a chance to talk about."

HOLY MARY AND JOSEPH!! How does one even respond to that? I mean sure I knew divorced, had a hunch there was a kid, but now the dad has cancer too? I thought we covered the freak me out shit! I didn't know what to do. I responded, "I saw pics of u and ur daughter on fb. She is adorable. Have a gr8 time and let me know when ur back!"

What else could I do? It wasn't time to run and hide......yet. And dealing with the situation maturely had to be better if I wanted to continue shafting the divorced predator. I had a few questions. Such as: why does your daughter not live with you? Are you an unfit parent? Now that I know you had one child, should I be worried the clock is ticking and you want another? And is your vagina deformed from birth? Had I not noticed?

A few weeks had passed and we talked casually. We couldn't get together for whatever reasons, when one day I received a text saying "come out tonight! It's my 30th birthday!" Wait 30th?! When we met she told me she was 31? Now she has a daughter, isn't 31 and is divorced!

I was unable to attend her birthday celebration and we eventually met up a few days later for what she did not know would be our last engagement. During our conversation she told me after her divorce there was a man she saw for a few years and another guy for two years as well and that neither worked out. Now this is where the first paragraph returns!

Follow along and let us do some math.

The Predator was 22 when she had child.
The Predator tells me child is 7.
The Predator is now 29!
The Predator was single for 2 years after the divorce.
The Predator is now 31!
BUT The Predator dated someone for a few years after divorce.
The Predator is now 34!
The Predator dated another guy for a two years.
The Predator is now at least 36 or older!!!

Do your math and don't get caught because it doesn't add up! Like I said, if you lie, BE SMART! This is how a 31 year old Predator becomes a cougar!