Fiddler Under the Roof

A few years ago while dating my ex she introduced me to her friend Becky. Becky is a horrible human being and although I had no interest in being her friend, I could not could focus on anything other than how perky her fun-bags were and how badly I wanted to bend her over, pull her hair, raw dog her from behind and lick her delicious tasting pussy. (I suppose my imagination is slightly more perverse than most.)

For some time I could not escape my fantasy world and since I was bored boning my ex I went to plan B (no, not the morning after pill). I began to imagine I was fucking Becky instead and may have even called my ex the wrong name on occasion when pumping her with my Willy Wonnker. Our sex got kinkier and I found my tongue refusing to leave her box. It just wanted to cuddle up and hibernate in there. It was my happy place and I never wanted to leave.

My ex acted unforgivably one day suspecting I had a crush on Becky and told me, "rumor has it she has a repulsive smelling vagina." Blasphemy, madness! No one this sexy could be tainted with such a horrible illness. I refused to believe this statement, but also knew I must conduct field research.

A few weeks ago Becky contacted me and we met at a bar for drinks. I prepared before leaving and packed a gas mask and a tranquilizer gun. If her odor was as bad as I feared, I had to be willing to put the beast down and save any future muff divers.

At the bar I drowned myself in liquor for two key reasons:

1. When you are drunk your stamina improves
2. To drown out the possible horrid taste that might enter my mouth. If I can make liquor taste like water, I can make pussy taste like heaven.

We left the bar and in no time her legs were spread over my shoulders, pillow under her ass, and I was playing her pussy like a fiddle (NOTE: women climax faster with a pillow under them and time was not a luxury I could afford enduring her potential smell). My fingers deep in her twat, I licked her clit fiddling under her roof for hours. Becky was erupting, shaking and twitching uncontrollably. (Women who have experienced this orgasm feel free to comment.)

When I concluded destroying her pussy, she laid there in a ball not knowing to smile or cry. Her body could not comprehend how sublime she felt. "No one has EVER gone down on me like that before. Not any of my ex-boyfriends ever really did it," she confessed.

You don't say. I stood at a safe distance, careful not to come too close to the fumes pouring from her sewage smelling muff. It was the worst taste my tongue had ever tolerated, but I did what had to be done. I drank every liquid in sight to remove the bitterness from my scorned tongue. Then I went on a hunger on strike. I never wanted to use my mouth again and took a vow of silence.

Do I regret doing it? No. If I hadn't, curiosity would have eaten away at me. I gave her the orgasm of her life and will surely be inducted in her hall of sex fame.

The real issue at hand is, what does a man do if he dates a girl with a repulsive smelling cooter? If it's a one night stand, he does not have to eat puss, but to ensure his peg enters her hole, a little lickety split must take place for him to pin his tail in the donkey.

If you are dating a girl with this issue you can only avoid the inevitable so long. A decent human will enter and eat her torture chamber and you may learn to enjoy it. If it truly smells, try to implement fruit into her diet. Fruit can improve the smell, while spicy dishes worsen the smell. If the odor persists, she may have a yeast infection, UTI or an STD and chances are now you do too.



If you are one of the few who does not take pleasure in eating pussy it's time to man up. Pussy is like sushi is an acquired taste. Once you acquire that taste you will want to dine at an all you can eat sushi buffet. No one is telling you to do it every second and you don't need to Indian kiss her (eat her out on the rag). I assure you the more you do for her, the more she will return. Give and you shall receive. There is no greater pleasure than giving a woman the ultimate orgasm. She will rave about you to friends and if it's a one night stand I guarantee after your epic performance you'll have a lot more legs spreading. So gentlemen, this weekend step up to the plate, pick up your fiddle and lets play a little sweet chin music.